The 7 Pillars Of True Friendship
“There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.” — Thomas Aquinas
Friendship is something difficult to describe in mere words. That being said, I’m going to try it anyway.
I initially wrote this as a reminder to myself. We all drop the ball sometimes. The important thing for us to do here, is to forgive ourselves and become better. Just be better.
To be a great friend is to focus on giving, rather than receiving.
These are — in my opinion — the 7 pillars of true friendship
1. Encouragement And Celebration
“A true friend is someone who brings out the best in me.”
Every venture we devote ourselves to strengthens when we are surrounded with people who support our cause, and assist where they can. This can range from losing 30 pounds, to training for a marathon.
Just like you, your companions have their hopes and dreams. Just like you, they could use someone who assures them they can do it. Be that person. Give them courage, make them feel strong about themselves.
How good does it feel when someone pats you on the back after achieving a certain goal? The next time a friend crushes an obstacle, celebrate that win, however small it may be. Your perception of the level of their hardships should never abstain you from showing how proud you are of them.
2. Forgiveness And Comprehension
“ If you want to find out who is a true friend, fuck up or go through a challenging time…then see who sticks around. “
Holding a grudge is just plain stupid. It makes you negative and it drains your mental energy. If you want to overcome this obstacle in your friendship, try to understand the cause of the action.
“What motivated him to act this way? Did something recently happen to him? How can I assist him?”
If this person is really important to you, allow him to learn from the mistake and to improve himself.
“One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.” — Seneca
Your next beer with him doesn’t have to taste bad.
3. Trust And Truth
People lie. There, I said it.
Be different. With every lie you tell — however small you deem it to be — you disappoint someone you love, and you disappoint yourself. Don’t allow any reason become significant enough to make you lie.
Every time you lie, you lose integrity and neglect your values.
Being honest — even brutally so — will free you. People remember honesty. Try to be the person others trust because of that honesty. It’s a rare trait we crave for these days.
I have lost friends by doing this. I just don’t believe in putting make-up on a donkey, trying to make it prettier for whatever reason. I realized I value sincerity more than trying to please people.
“Do what is right…do it with honesty and vigor. Be creative — that’s important. Don’t follow what other people are doing.” — John Gokonwei
The friends you value the most are usually the ones you trust the most. Truth and loyalty still profoundly affect the quality of our relationships.
Remember how much it hurts when you discover a good friend talked negative about you in your absence?
Well, one of the worst things you can do to a friend is to engage in any form of gossip. You literally express “I judge you for something, and I take more pleasure in tainting your name in the presence of irrelevant people, than being honest with you.” What are you even doing? Stand behind your damn friend! Stand up for those you love! Shut those other fools up!
4. Assertiveness And Maintenance
“ Friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest, it’s about who walked into your life, said, ‘ I’m here for you, ‘ and proved it. “
If you want to grow a beautiful garden, you have to keep nurturing the plants. Friendship needs maintenance too. Don’t wait for the other to call you, be first. Don’t always wait for people to invite you, be first.
Many people like to play this game. It’s utterly childish. If your friend doesn’t show any interest in your life, or doesn’t respect your goals and development, that person is not the one for you. If you are the one acting this way, know you’re not doing a good job either. The actions of others don’t justify your actions.
This is the area where I’ve failed miserably one time. I once made the choice to distance myself from a group of friends I’d known for 8 years. There was no more growth in the relationship. We were always doing the same things at the same spot — getting stupidly drunk and complaining about everything.
Every weekend I felt disappointed in myself. Our whole friendship was based on alcohol and drama. At one point I became so sick of it that I left without explanation. While this was the right thing to do at the time, it caused more pain on both ends than was necessary.
In the end, I don’t regret the decision of leaving. What I do regret though, is the way I did it. It caused me to lose certain other people I deeply cared about.
If you personally feel that the relationship with your friend is toxic for you, explain it to him without judgment or criticism. You’re accountable for your well-being, but respect your friend’s feelings in the process. Don’t make my mistake.
5. Responsibility And Morality
You alone are responsible for the things you say and do. Stop blaming and start owning.
Morality is your body of principles and values, derived from a code of conduct. Be the kind of friend to others you wish yourself to have.
It’s human to make mistakes; but it takes character to own up to them. This is not the easy road, but certainly the most honorable one.
Integrity > Unreliability.
6. Gratitude And Appreciation
We all want to feel valuable. Show your friends how much you care about them and be grateful for their contribution to your happy life.
I wrote more in detail about this in a previous article.
Don’t ever take your friends and family for granted. Every single person hates this feeling. You do too.
7. Solace And Tomfoolery
“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing… not healing, not curing… that is a friend who cares.” — Henri Nouwen
The 3 essential aspects of consoling a loved one are :
- Presence = Being there in person and truly listening with you heart
- Support = Affirming — and understanding that person’s feelings, and committing to be of assistance without trying to “fix” it
- Physical Touch = A sincere hug can replace a hundred words
“Real friendship is when your friend comes over to your house and then you both just take a nap.”
On the other end of the spectrum, be the person with whom they can unabashedly be themselves.
Your friendship should be a sanctuary for the both of you, where the troubles of the world seem easier to conquer. Whatever you do in life, you do it better together.
Embark on adventures together. Experience life fully. Be silly! Life should be filled with dancing, plenty of stories, and regular tomfoolery!
“A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.” — Horace
Thank you for reading! Please feel free to share your experiences. Be a great friend. People need you.
Joren
